Monday, 15 September 2008

• Adam Joshua Stewart

  I just spent the past hour and 45 minutes reading a blog by Angie Smith, wife of Todd Smith from the group Selah.  They recently lost a baby that they were blessed to have in their arms for 2 and 1/2 hours.  Because I read their story and I'm already crying, I figured now was as good a time as any to share Adam's story with you all.

  I'm not sure where to start, so if I backtrack a little, I apoligize.  I tend to do that.  It drives my husband nuts.

  It was the first weekend in June and I had gone home to St. Louis for my mom's family reunion.  They have had it on the first weekend in June to commemorate my grandmother's birthday, which was June 3.  I went alone with Jonathan, since Shane had to work.  Up until this point, I had been running and had joined Weight Watchers to get the rest of the baby weight off and I was doing pretty well.  I started feeling queasy on Saturday morning, but I just chalked it up to eating a greasy, sugary funnel cake at the farmer's market.  The queasiness continued on Sunday, but again, I figured it was because my mom made caffinated coffee, which I was not used to drinking.  I thought that I had a period the week before and it crossed my mind that I could be pregnant, but I pretty much wrote it off.  I went home and as I started to feel the same type of "morning sickness" feeling, I figured I would wait until my annual OB/GYN visit and take a test that morning, just before my appointment.

  It was positive!

  Needless to say we were overjoyed and overwhelmed at the same time.  At this point, Jonathan had just turned 9 months.  We thought we knew when I had concieved, so we were thinking our kids would be 18 months apart.  Dr. Baldwin ordered an ultrasound for the 2 weeks later to determine how far along I was.

  I was 8 weeks pregnant!

  I was convinced that because this pregnancy was so different, that I was having a girl.  With Jonathan, I knew within days that I was pregnant.  We would joke with Jonathan that he shouldn't kick his sister.  We started making plans, including what would happen with work and things of that nature.  I was in the process of interviewing for a teaching job and was wondering what a January due date would like like in the middle of the school year at a new school.

  The pregnancy progressed as normal.  It was pretty much the same as when I was pregnant with Jonathan.  We saw the heartbeat in the ultrasound at week 8 and even got pictures.  It was amazing to see since we didn't get to see Jonathan until I was 11 weeks along.  It amazes me that people can look at that and not see the Creator at work.

  I was one of 5 girls at our church pregnant at the time.  4 of us were even due within 5 weeks of each other.  People have been talking for years that we need to grow the church and we joked that we were growing it from the inside out.

  I remember the Sunday that I turned 14 weeks telling my friend that I was excited to get out of my first trimester.  She asked if it was because I was "out of the woods" so to speak.  I was more concerned about being done with the morning sickness!

  I had a scheduled appointment on Tuesday, July 29.  It was my 14 week appointment and I was excited to be able to hear our baby's heartbeat.  We had not been able to hear it at 10 weeks, but there was no concern since the doppler can't always pick it up at that stage.  I had been through some testing already for Gestational Diabetes, since I had been diabetic with Jonathan, so I was on a strict diet and was told to watch my weight closely.  Most of this concern was from my endocrinologist, who had been watching my cholesterol.  I had Jonathan with me, but Shane had to sleep, so he wasn't with me for this appointment.

  I remember shopping at Target that morning and having a friend pat my belly to say hello to the baby.  I also remember needing a snack before my appointment and looking at the candy bars to see which one had the least amount of carbs...ha ha.  I had some string cheese and a Twix bar.  OK.  I ate BOTH of them.  It was too hot to let the other one melt in the car.

  I went in for the normal check up and Dr. Baldwin had a med student with him.  I figured that she couldn't find the baby's heartbeat because she was new and that sort of thing.  I really didn't even think anything of the fact that Dr. Baldwin couldn't find it either.  He sent me to ultrasound and thinking back on it, Nancy, the tech, faced the screen to her, rather than to where I could see it when she started. 

  "I'm so sorry...I can't find a heart beat."

  I didn't even realize that the baby was not moving at all.  The only thing I focused on was the fact that there was not hearbeat where one should have been.

  The first thing that came to my mind was the verse in Job, where Job says,

  "The LORD gives, the Lord has taken away.  Blessed be the name of the LORD."

  That must have been a God thing, because I don't know that my faith is strong enough for that to be the first thing to cross my mind.

  Nancy got Dr. Baldwin to confirm and I just laid there on the table as they went over the details.  She said that the baby looked like it was 14 weeks old so whatever happened, it happend in the last few days.  I met with Dr. Baldwin in his office to discuss what to do next.  My body had not indicated that anything was wrong at all, so I was probably going to have help in delivering.  Normally, a D & C is an option for dealing with the baby's remains, but our baby was 14 weeks and sometimes there are issues with the skull being to big for that procedure.  A D & E is a little more invasive, but I had a c-section less than 11 months earlier, so that was risky.  Our best bet was to go on medication to start labor and just wait it out.  I called Shane and he came to the dr.'s office so he could be with me and we decided to go home and talk about our options and give the dr. a call back.  He let us know that he would be out of town starting on the weekend, if that made a difference to us.

  We went home and decided to go with the medicine and I would start it on Wednesday at noon, and then be admitted to the hospital the following morning at 9.  Dr. Baldwin said that sometimes it only takes 12 hours, sometimes longer for the whole process.  We started cleaning, knowing that people would be visitng and that our parents would be coming in town.  As much as I hate cleaning, it was kind of theraputic.  Our pastor and his wife came over to just be with us.  It was kind of bittersweet, since Katie was 6 days behind me in her pregnancy.

  I often thought about the statistics of 1 in 5 pregnancies ending in miscarriage.  I didn't think it would actually be true.

  I forgot to mention that up until now, I had been nursing Jonathan.  I knew he was allergic to dairy, so I had cut that out of my diet when he was 2 months old.  We had gotten news a few weeks back that he was also allergic to peanuts, tree nuts and eggs, so I had cut those out as well.  I figured a few more months of sticking it out and hoping he didn't add any more teeth (he had 8 at this point!) would be worth it.  The afternoon we found out about the baby, we found out that Jonathan was also highly allergic to wheat and moderately allergic to corn.  As much as I wanted to be able to give that up for him, I just couldn't under these circumstances.  I tried pumping in the hospital, and even with the hospital grade "super-pumps," I could only squeak out an once at a time.  Not even enough for 1 bottle over the course of a few days, so I decided it was time to wean him.  Skipping to the end, he took to the bottle (which he had only had like 15 his whole life) like he forgot I had boobs.  Now THAT is a God thing, if you've ever nursed a baby!  He also got over his clinginess and had a blast with my mom, even though he had not spent much time with her.

  (I'm starting to get marks on my forearms from leaning them on the desk to type, but I know if I don't finish this, I may not have time for a while...plus, I'm in the mood to talk about it!)

  I really didn't feel anything as a result of the medication.  My parents came in on Tuesday night and stayed with Jonathan on Wednesday while Shane and I took some time to ourselves and went to lunch.  It felt weird knowing that I could order anything that I wanted and didn't have to worry about no caffine or eating steak that was medium rare.  I knew I had the freedom to do so, but I didn't for some reason.

  I don't really remember much about the waiting part.  I remember checking at the registration desk and saying that I was there for an induction and the girl said, "You don't look big enough for an induction."  I know she couldn't have known, but it still hurt.  The girl that walked us up to the Women's Center took us in the elevator that went to the hallway by the nursery.  That was probably one of the hardest things.  Knowing that you will deliver a baby and leave the hosptial with empty arms.

  We began the waiting game.  I started feeling some pretty intense contractions FINALLY on Friday night.  At this point, I had been on the medication for 36 hours.  The contractions were so bad that I requested pain medication.  When we originally did our birth plan with Jonathan, we were going the "drug-free" route, which obviously isn't an option with a cesaerean.  I had not gone into labor at all, so I had not felt any contractions with him. The pain medication they gave me got rid of the pain, but it made me very anxious.  I felt like I was going to go to sleep and never wake up.  Anti-nausea medication solved that.

  Saturday rolled around and I was not progressing, so they tried administering the medication in other ways, which I will not share because they are NOT pleasant.  They were concered with the amount of time that it was taking, which was probably due to the fact that my body had never been in labor before, so this was a new thing.  The dr. on call, Dr. Borden, was consulting a specialist in Louisville, who dealt with high risk pregnancies, and he said that if we wanted to go the sugical route he would do it that night.  She was willing to give us more time, but said that if nothing had happened by Sunday morning, that they would do a D & E to extract the baby.  They prepped me for surgery with an IV and no foods.  Finally, things started rolling Saturday night, and about 8:30 p.m. I gave birth to our baby.  He was so tiny, but you could tell he was a boy!  You could see his fingers and toes and even his little eyes and eye lashes.  We were able to hold him and spend some time with him.  Since this wasn't like a normal delivery, the placenta did not detach and I was losing blood.  I did end up in surgery to remove the rest of the placenta.  I ended up being discharged the next day.  I wasn't in pain physically and I was glad everything was over with, but I knew it wasn't the end of going through this.

  My wonderful husband had stayed with me the entire time.  I'm so thankful that he wanted his place to be at my side through all of this.  It was such an act of God and His perfect timing that I didn't have the baby when Shane was out getting dinner or going home to see Jonathan.  I remember Sunday morning, Shane crawled into that tiny hospital bed with me and just held me while I cried.  My mom said that when he called them while I was in surgery that he was crying.

  We named our little boy Adam Joshua.   That was not the original name we had picked out for a boy or girl, but he was different and special and we wanted to give him a name that would later be a testament to what God was doing in our lives and what He will continue to do.  Shane picked the name Adam and I couldn't help but think of the passage in Romans 5:12-21

  Death in Adam, Life in Christ (this was the heading the editor added!)

  12Therefore, just as sin came into the world through one man, and death through sin, and so death spread to all men because all sinned—13for sin indeed was in the world before the law was given, but sin is not counted where there is no law.14Yet death reigned from Adam to Moses, even over those whose sinning was not like the transgression of Adam, who was a type of the one who was to come.  15But the free gift is not like the trespass. For if many died through one man's trespass, much more have the grace of God and the free gift by the grace of that one man Jesus Christ abounded for many.16And the free gift is not like the result of that one man's sin. For the judgment following one trespass brought condemnation, but the free gift following many trespasses brought justification.17If, because of one man's trespass, death reigned through that one man, much more will those who receive the abundance of grace and the free gift of righteousness reign in life through the one man Jesus Christ.  18Therefore, as one trespass led to condemnation for all men, so one act of righteousness leads to justification and life for all men.19For as by the one man's disobedience the many were made sinners, so by the one man's obedience the many will be made righteous.20Now the law came in to increase the trespass, but where sin increased, grace abounded all the more,21so that, as sin reigned in death, grace also might reign through righteousness leading to eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.

  Joshua is a form of "Jeshua" which is Hebrew for "God is My Savior."  I believe this was also a form of the name used for Jesus, which was our thinking behind this name.  I didn't think about it at the time, that the practice of naming your child to be a reminder of what God has done was a very Biblical thing.  I truly believe that God was working through us even though we were barely hanging on by a thread.

  Shane also took care of the arrangements for Adam and the cemetary by us has a Garden of Innocents that is set aside for babies that are under one year.  I thought that we were just going to have a creamation and small ceremony in the garden, which would have been the cheaper route.  I was glad that Shane was able to "do" in this situation because I was not in a position to deal with it.

  We ended up with a very tiny casket and a small service that our pastor led.  It was me and Shane and Jonathan, my mom, who was still in town helping us get things back together, and my sister and brother-in-law.  It was a sweet service that just reminded us of God's continual blessings.  At first I thought that maybe we were making too big a deal about this, but God reminded me that if I really believe that life begins at conception, that this celebration of Adam's life, and God's creation, no matter what stage, that this was a public testament to that.  It was strange to see all of the headstones with a single date on it, but it was comforting to know that there were other people that celebrated life the way we did.

  Getting back to real life was tough.  I had a hard time getting back into taking care of Jonathan and dealing with all of this.  I know this sounds like a trivial think in light of all that has happened, but I didn't lose any weight at all after having Adam, so it was like extra physical reminders of a pregnancy.  That was tough to deal with too.

  I was supposed to start new teacher training for my new job, and they were so wonderful with giving me time to deal with things.  It was nice to know that I had new co-workers that didn't know me but they were lifting me up to the Father.

  We had genetic testing done on Adam's tissue, but we found out later that there was nothing wrong with him.  I thought that would be an easier answer to deal with, but it wasn't.

  I still struggle.  I know in my heart that God is sovereign and mighty and that His plan is perfect, even when we can't see the point of it all.  I know that this has caused me to cling to Him for dear life.  I guess if that was the whole point, then how can that be a bad thing?  There have been many times that I have looked back on situations in my life and seen God's hand working, but I have learned the most when I've seen His hand moving in the midst of a situation.  I can see His hand holding me up when I'm too weak.

  A few weeks into the school year, I had started the class with prayer, as usual.  When I was finished, a student asked that we pray for her friend's family.  Her friend's mom went into labor, and they had to do an emergency c-section.  They weren't able to get to the baby quick enough and they lost the baby.  I started out the prayer, "Dear Heavenly Father, " and I swear there was an entire minute of silence (and tears) before I could get anything else out.  Afterwards I thought about the fact that I would not have known exactly what to pray for with this situation had I not been through it myself.

  I had run into an old church aquaintance a few weeks earlier at Wal-Mart.  We talked for a little bit and decided that we should have a play date.  We actually had the play date the Monday before we found out about Adam.  I originally thought that God had me run into her because maybe she could watch Jonathan while I worked since she was actually on the way to work (which is awesome because I'm only a mile from work anyway!)  After we found out about losing Adam it hit me like a ton of bricks.  2 years ago they lost a baby, Samuel Eli, at term.  She was a few days from her due date and didn't feel him kicking.  There was a knot in the chord he died in the womb.  Funny thing is, that Dr. Borden, who was not Alicia's dr., just the one on call, was her dr. for her delivery.  Samuel is buried a few spots away from Adam in the same garden.  Alicia has been a huge support through all of this and has shared many things that they wrote down after losing Samuel.

  I know that God is not finished with us yet.  I know that there are many things He wants to teach us through this.  I know that if we get pregnant again that completely trusting in Him is the only option.  I know that it's possible that we won't have any other children.  I'm borrowing this, but I also know that God was the same before I stepped foot in that dr.'s office as He was when I walked out.  I don't know how people go through this and beleive that they just had bad luck.  Or that "nature just had its way."  I choose to beleive that my God is sovereign and moves and plans ALL things in history for the good of His people, but ultimately for His glory.

  Does it hurt?  Yes.  Sometimes to the point of physically hurting.

  Does it suck?  You bet.

  Do I trust God more?  I have to.  I don't think I could get through it without knowing He's in control.

  I know this has been a long post!  Hey, I'm making up for not posting over the last 6 weeks!  Please continue to pray for us.  This will be harder as I see the other girls at church progress in their pregnancies.  We are also working on getting pregnant again.  We didn't really have to try the last 2 times, so we're not sure what "trying" looks like as far as time goes.  I know what the books say, but going through it is something you can't really write in a manual, right?  Pray that God will give us opportunities to share what He has done through this.

  Also, the blog that inspired me to finally write about this is http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/2008/01/beginning-of-story.html.  Angie's story is amazing and her feelings and thoughts are very real.  It takes some time to get through it all (and some kleenex!) but it's worth it.

   

  • 11:23 PM
  • 140 Views
  • 20 eProps
  • 10 Comments